President Donald Trump has announced that he has hired crack criminal defense attorney Perry Mason to put to rest the "non-collusion" with Russia by him, and once again indicated that it was "Crooked Hillary and the Dems!!!"

Mason is expected too uncover the morally ugly or even illegal conduct of some of the witnesses or participants, thus complicating the moral and legal intrigue of the case. Eventually, some detail uncovered or remark made inside or outside the courtroom will give Mason the clue he needs to enter into the line of questioning that causes the surprise perpetrator, whether on the stand or not, to break down and confess to the crime and admit to the appalling truth of their motive. 

After this he will explain to the rest of the team what gave him the clue he needed.  After Mason explains, a humorous remark is expected.

Trump is reportedly not concerned that Perry Mason is a fictional character, or that the actor Raymond Burr passed away in 1993.  He has full confidence in the hiring, and is expecting that Mason will have "fame and fortune" from being appointed as a lawyer to the President.  Trump is also boosting that he is saving America money by paying Mason at figures acceptable in the 1960's when Perry Mason aired.

Episodes of the trial will begin this fall.  Stay tuned Wednesday's at 9:00pm CST.​​

Vladmir Putin has won this seasons Russian Dancing with the Stars, a surprise to no one.  
He pulled away from the other contenders with a stunning rendition of "Putin on the Ritz".  

Some said his smooth moves "were to some extent unfair and undemocratic," as literally no one else had a chance to win.

Putin danced without a partner, as he needed no help to win, and has always been seen as a solo artist.  Many of the other contenders even voted for Putin and admitted that they were weaker dancers.  One even admitted that he always wore a shirt while riding horseback, and barely considered himself to even be Russian.

In a meeting with the losing candidates, Putin said Monday that Russia would strengthen its dancing posture, but emphasized the country would not start another "best arms" competition.  Putin also vowed to tap his way through meetings with current Western leaders as a good will gesture.

Sources close to the firing of Rex Tillerson have disclosed that the Secretary of State was let go due to a massive secret spill - the second largest in the history of the US.
According to official reports, the secretary was carrying 53.09451 million US secrets, of which about 10.8 million US secrets were spilled into the Prince William Sound.

During the first few days of the spill, the secrets covered Price William Sound.  Locals tried to get wildlife to just ignore the secrets by blasting a high screeching dog whistle to get them to cover their ears and leave, but immediate effects of knowing so many secrets was too much for 100,000 to as many as 250,00 seabirds, at least 2,800 sea otters, approximately 12 river otters, 300 harbor seals, 247 bald eagles, and 22 orcas.  An unknown number of salmon and herring were also effected. 
The secrets were apparently vital to the running of the US, and many people depend on them for their daily lives to run as normal.  Dependence on secrets has long been debated at the State Department, and efforts to scale them back have been met with resistance.  Many long time State Department employees have been known to even stockpile secrets in case of war.
Estimated of the effects of the spill state that it will be felt for many years, as the secrets will only break down at an estimated rate of less than 4% per year.
Tillerson offered a "heartfelt apology" to the people of the US, suggesting he had been wrongly blamed for the disaster: "The true story is out there for anybody who wants to look at the facts, but that's not the sexy story and that's not the easy story," he said. 

Ben Carson, the embattled director of HUD has come under fire recently for ordering a 31K dining set for his office. 
 
He has tried to redirect the inquires about his spending by pointing out that other directors of other agencies have spent more than him on other extravagances as well.

He has cancelled the order, which brings up the question as to where he is supposed to put his Chinese take out containers, or the bottles of Diet Coke he keeps on hand in case President Trump stops by.  

Dr. Carson has offered an alternative to the 31K dining set, and has asked if a 30K dining set would be okay instead.

Apparently the original designer had been offering a Groupon deal, for which his wife, Candy Carson,  jumped at when she saw it in her email.  The coupon had been stuck in red tape at the HUD office, and was not applied correctly.  The coupon is for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS OFF DESIGNER FURNITURE FOR GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS and was a special running in December of last year.   

The Carson's will gladly donate the coupon to HUD to help off set the expense of the dining table, "Which is still not as nice as the one at their house," adds Dr. Carson.

"Everyone needs to eat," stated a spokesperson for the Carson's.  Secretary Alex Azar from the Department of Health and Human Services had no comment about the claim that "everyone" needs to eat.

Border Patrol agents were upset to find that a local Cross Fit chapter is using the eight wall prototypes at the border as a new challenge.
  
The group is scaling and climbing the prototype walls that were built to show what could keep people from illegally crossing the border in an effort to keep their workouts a challenge.

And they are not the only ones.  Apparently a new extreme sport is brewing with the addition of the wall prototypes. 

As soon as border patrol got the cross fit group off the site, they found a mountaineering group had already set up to start climbing one of the walls.  Within minutes, a group of circus high wire performers had also pulled up, and a lawyer showed up with a bid to buy two of the prototype walls for a local skateboard park, funded by Shaun White, the gold medal winning snowboarder.

When a border patrol agent threw down his hat in disgust and yelled "How tall do we have to build these walls???"  the groups assembled took his question seriously and starting giving advise for the walls to be a better challenge for professional thrill seekers.

The agent was taken to a counselor when he was found hours later huddled in the sage brush curled into a fetal position and rocking himself while muttering nonsensical financial figures.

Border patrol later confirmed that the agent is okay, and that he was actually just reviewing the budget for the wall.
​
In response to the new sport challenge, Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and Devin Nunes (R-CA) have launched a joint investigation into whether or not any of the groups climbing the wall for sport are actually spies for Mexican coyote groups.  So far the cost of the investigation is topping 13 million.  

A new study found that women are obsessing less about their mistakes. 

"Historically women tend to stay awake at night going over every detail of their day and berating themselves for the tiniest mistakes"  states researcher Davey Days.  "This effects their ability to sleep, causes anxiety, and leads to more tiny mistakes... which starts the cycle over again the next night."

Not so anymore.  Apparently researchers like Days are seeing a different trend in the wake of the election of Donald Trump as The President of the United States of America.

Women now tend to stay awake and stress about Donald Trump's mistakes instead of their own.

"I mean, in a way it's healthy!" Psychologist Linda Blair from New York points out.  "For example, I have a client who used to just stress and stress over the tiniest things.  And now - she is stressing out over BIG things, like will we all die in a nuclear holocaust if North Korea nukes us?  This is a healthy worry, and completely legitimate in today's climate.  I'm proud of her!"

We interviewed one of Ms. Blair's clients.  She states she used to worry and stress about random exchanges she had with her boss.  Now, she focuses on random twitter exchanges by Donald Trump instead.  "I used to worry about not being good enough at my job, or my boss thinking I was an idiot for talking about my cats too much.  But now, whenever I see what the freaking leader of the free world is tweeting, I realize that my boss is lucky to have me, and since we will probably all die soon anyway, I should just enjoy my life while I can."  

Davey Days agrees with the findings, and has noted it was a difference in his own wife that prompted the study.  "She used to worry until two or three o'clock in the morning about silverware placement for Easter dinner with my parents.  Now she just screams 'OMG Someone stick a fork in his Twitter account' and falls into a blissful sleep by 1:00am."

You have just enjoyed a satire article.  Congratulations. ​

New York told Pennsylvania tonight that it could "come out now" from time out with the likely special election win of Democrat Connor Lamb, over Republican Rick Saccone.  Trump won the district by 20 points in the fateful 2016 election where Pennsylvania played a part in the Republican upset that allowed a reality TV host to be the leader of the free world.

Since the election Pennsylvania had been in time out per New York rules.  However, with the special election New York felt that Pennsylvania had "learned it's lesson".   

Bagel deliveries to Pennsylvania are scheduled to resume tomorrow.  Trump is expected to take credit for bringing jobs back to bagel workers and simultaneously offending most New Yorkers with tweets by the afternoon.  

New York was quoted tonight as saying that "Wisconsin is still on thin ice, and don't even get me started about Michigan."